If I haven’t mentioned it before, I really like Sketchup (oh wait, I have mentioned it before). Yesterday I spent less than an hour designing a new play table for my daughter Josie, and tonight I spent about an hour cutting out the pieces. Talk about rapid prototyping! If it’s not obvious from the image, this table will sit in the corner of her room and be attached to two walls, with the castle supporting one end. This is my first time working with MDF, so we’ll see how it turns out. So far so good. Next I’ve got to do some detailing with the jigsaw, sanding, and then they will be ready for primer and paint.

In almost every project around our house, we invariably reach the point where this phrase is uttered. It happens so often that it’s a running joke. Today, Father’s Day, was no exception. It began with us simply wanting to swap out the hangers in both of the kids’ closets. Noah’s clothes have gotten big enough that they don’t stay on the baby hangers anymore, and if you’re going to go to the trouble of swapping them in one closet, you might as well do both of them. Josie’s room also involved moving in an antique dresser that’s been in the family for over 100 years. So it quickly devolved into a complete remodeling of her room, including plans for a play table like Noah’s, and a frantic search on Craigslist for a doll house. About an hour later, as we realized that moving Josie’s toy bins into the closet would require rearranging the modular shelving, I looked at Dixie and smiled. “This is the part where I go to Lowes,” and we both burst into laughter. Now, four hours later, the closet has been redone, her room is rearranged, and I am now working on Sketchup plans for a new doll house/play table thing. That’s how we roll.

I just had another horrible experience with AT&T customer support, and I know I’m not alone. They have to be one of the most hated companies on earth for this reason. I just tried logging into their website to make changes to an account and since I do this so seldom, I could not remember my password. Against my better judgment, I attempted to reset my password online — to avoid having to call them, which is an even more painful experience. Twenty-five minutes later, after struggling with the user interface of their site, I get to the point where I click a button to have a temporary password sent to me so I can login. Upon clicking said button, I get a message informing me that the “My AT&T” site is down temporarily for maintenance. It’s tragically comic. Or comically tragic. I can’t decide which. But I do know that if I had another option available to me for DSL service, I would no longer be an AT&T customer. But since they are a monopoly, I’m stuck complaining about their crappy service to you, my dear reader. Thank you for listening.

In January 1920, the 18th Amendment became the law of the land in the United States, banning the sale, manufacture, and transportation of alcohol. It took almost fourteen years for us to realize and acknowledge what a huge mistake that had been, but the 21st Amendment finally repealed Prohibition. But not before a huge and profitable black market was established that fueled the growth of a massive organized crime presence throughout the country. And it was the astonishing acts of violence perpetrated by these mobsters in defense of their “turf” that ultimately convinced America that Prohibition must be repealed.

But we didn’t learn our lesson. Instead, in the last forty years, we simply shifted the target of our Prohibition (to other drugs) and we also allowed Congress to forgo the supreme inconvenience of amending the Constitution before passing an endless stream of legislation that has created more crime, more violence, and higher incarceration rates than were ever seen during the Roaring Twenties. And public sentiment is not as bad this time around because we’ve also managed to outsource much of the violence.

If the drug-related violence in the US is not shocking enough to warrant comparison to the mobsters of days gone by, one need only look south to the hellscape that Mexico has become as a result of our so-called War on Drugs. Mexicans now yearn for gangsters who only shoot automatic weapons at each other, instead of the kidnappings, beheadings, and mass graves that now make up their daily news. The cruelty and brutality on display every day by the drug lords can perhaps only be described as medieval, and Mexico is on the verge of becoming a failed state, simply because we have made the drug trade so insanely profitable.

I’m sure Mexicans are ready to repeal Prohibition. Too bad it’s not their decision to make.

Same sex marriage is an extremely controversial issue in this country. And nowhere is this controversy more acute than in California where voters passed Proposition 8 in 2008, banning same sex marriages within the state. Opponents of the move challenged its legitimacy in court, and the case eventually found itself before Judge Vaughn Walker. After Walker struck down Prop 8, a group appealed the decision based on Walker’s subsequent disclosure that he himself was gay and involved in a long-term same-sex relationship. They contend that this represented a conflict of interest for Walker and that he should have recused himself from the case.

Okay, I understand that at first glance this appears to be a case where the coach of your favorite baseball team is allowed to umpire the game, while the fans of the opposing team voice their disapproval in the stands. What I don’t understand is how the outcome is any different if the opposing team’s coach is allowed a turn at umpire. How is he any less biased? And I don’t hear anyone in the media (other than Jon Stewart) illuminating this issue, either, which is frustrating.

But unlike our hypothetical baseball game, where the obvious alternative is to seek out a coach from a third team that has no vested interest in the outcome, there is no impartial third party that is neither homosexual nor heterosexual. To the best of my knowledge, there are no asexual judges that would be immune from the accusations of bias, so we’re stuck with accepting the ruling of an individual whose job it is to render objective decisions. After all, that is what we pay judges for, isn’t it?

Every year at this time I like to indulge in a little shameless cross-promotion for my other blog where I post the funniest and most asinine stuff I find on the web. Unless you’re Eminem or the Beastie Boys, when white people try to rap it is usually an embarrassment to the entire human race. Sometimes this is intentional, with hilarious results. So I had to share this one, which is the best one I’ve seen since last year’s Dad Life. If you enjoy this one, make sure to like us on Facebook. Pretty please?

In a follow-up to my rant about Ameren’s War on Trees, I wanted to address another issue with public utilities and their contractors: easements. An easement grants the right to use the real property of another for a specific purpose. But just because an individual works for a company that has an easement, that does not excuse them from observing common courtesies. Namely, if you want to enter my property, you need to knock on my door (at the very least) and announce your presence, otherwise it is simply trespassing.

These unannounced visitors in our yard, invariably wearing bright orange vests, had become such a problem that we had to start padlocking all of our gates. Some may consider that reaction extreme, until you read about a scam that was just reported last week in which elderly homeowners were being lured into their backyards to talk with someone claiming to be from a utility company while an accomplice looted their house. So there are clearly people trying to enter your house or yard for nefarious purposes and using the utility companies as cover. It’s amazing what a person can get away with just by carrying a clipboard.

The only way to defend yourself from such people is to lock them all out. Make them show proof of who they are and where they are from. Treat anyone you see wearing a hard hat and a road crew vest with suspicion, as they are almost undoubtedly up to no good (even if they are legit). It’s your property, after all. You have a right to defend it. And the moral to this story is, if you want to rip someone off, bring a clipboard.

Rule #1 in home improvement projects: everything takes longer than you think it will. This past winter, I started building a bar in the basement. When the cold outside prevented me from doing anything else, progress was swift, and I was actually thinking I would be done with the whole project by springtime. Well, summer’s here, and there are a lot more things competing for my attention, so now it’s a game of inches. I made a small amount of progress this weekend (the first in weeks), so I wanted to document it. I finished the framing on the bar by adding a display case to the front of it complete with LED lighting and a custom-made glass shelf for displaying my favorite beers. More photos from this project are in my album.

[continued from Part 1]

After meeting with the contractor that Ameren dispatched to walk my property line and mark trees, he invited me to walk the line with him. I was glad I did. Not only did this give me an opportunity to recalibrate his understanding of easements, but it gave him a chance to come clean and admit that he had already marked a half dozen of my trees with orange spray paint — designating them for removal! These trees were nowhere near the easement, but he said that they look for trees that will become a problem in the next few years and remove them as a preventative measure. He was very reasonable, and agreed to cover up the paint so that Nelson Tree Service would not touch them. (If it were only that easy!)

In my second letter to Ray Wiesehan, I recounted all of this and included photographs of the trees that had been painted. I concluded by telling him:

I very much appreciate your time and attention in coordinating with me prior to the trimming activity. However, it will have all been a waste of time if this information is not communicated to the Nelson Tree Service crew who actually performs the work. I have erected four Private Property signs along my property line to aid the crew in determining where they are allowed to cut. I have done everything I can reasonably do to protect my property. Now it is my expectation that you will do the same.

It quickly became apparent that all of my work had been for naught. Despite my due diligence, there had been no coordination whatsoever on Ameren’s part. The showdown I had hoped to avoid occurred May 5, when Nelson Tree Service showed up with their Super-Axe-Hackers, ready to fell my beloved Truffula Trees. I explained the situation to their supervisor, Randy Jennings, and he was also a very reasonable gentleman, but his complete lack of concern for where his crew was cutting left me quite dismayed. I asked him if anyone had talked to him with regard to my property, or if he even had a map of the property lines. The answer, of course, was no, and obviously, without a map, easements have no meaning.

The irony is that Ameren’s own web site says, “Ameren may have to remove trees that we deem a high risk to electrical service … A contractor from Ameren will notify the homeowner regarding the need for removal.” This is nonsense. It is painfully clear that even if a homeowner goes out of her way to demand this kind of interaction, it probably won’t happen. No, the only way to protect your trees from Ameren’s hired vandals is to camp out in your yard and be ready to speak on their behalf.

I am not a fan of Ameren. Ever since I spent seven days without electricity in the throes of a St. Louis summer, there is very little that company can do to find favor with me. I’m sure I’m not alone. That incident in July 2006, where a half million residents lost power for days following some severe storms, actually gave Ameren enough of a black eye that they started to at least pretend that they cared about their customers. In response to the public outcry, Ameren launched an initiative to make their service more reliable. What they actually launched was a War on Trees.

I’ve always been a fan of trees. Spending your entire childhood right next to the woods surrounding a creek will do that to you. The value of a tree is difficult to quantify when you consider all of its benefits. Beyond the sheer beauty, there are the obvious environmental benefits, not to mention the financial benefits of a shade tree that makes your air conditioner more efficient. In our current house, I’ve discovered that the abatement of noise and visual nuisances is one of a tree’s most valuable functions. I’ve also discovered that unless you are willing to speak in defense of your trees, you are likely to lose them to people who do not care.

So let’s ignore for the moment that Ameren is a monopoly that acts as an agent of the government (which by itself is plenty of reason to despise them), and focus on just the impenetrable bureaucracy of a public utility. In March I received a notice in the mail from Ameren that they were once again beginning their quadrennial assault on our arboreal assets. In response, I fired off a letter to Ray Weisehan, “Onceler” of Vegetation Management, asking that he direct his chainsaw mercenaries (Nelson Tree Service) to carefully consult their maps before setting foot on my property so that they would know which trees were in the Ameren easement, and which trees to leave alone.

To my surprise, Ameren actually responded by dispatching a Jared Rielson from the Utilimap Corporation to walk my property line and mark the trees that should be targeted. One might expect that a contractor from a company called Utilimap would have consulted an actual map before performing his duties. One would be wrong. It also came as a surprise when I told him that Ameren’s easement extended a mere five feet on either side of their electrical lines, and not the ten feet that he had been led to believe. But the last surprise was on me when we finally walked the property together…

[continued in Part 2]